Across the Plains
by solidorliquid
Summary: Tales of Symphonia... WESTERN STYLE!
1. Howdy

**Across the Plains**

_Howdy_

**Disclaimer:** _Don't own Tales of Symphonia, but one day I shall bring all the hotties to life and love them forever! MWAHAHAHA!_

**Warnings:**_ None at the moment..._

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The wind continuously kicked up the sand and blew it through the small town of Iselia, where many people were running around trying to get home before a sandstorm blew up. Iselia did not have a very large population, considering the fact that the town had no plants whatsoever causing many sandstorms. Only a few small families and a couple individuals had the guts to live in such a town. The town faced many other problems other than the sandstorms. A gang by the name of the Desians rode through the town on their black horses. They demanded supplies for low prices and if anyone even got in their way they would shot them with their black revolvers. They always came when the Sheriff was out of town or too busy to help. He was always blamed for the deaths of children and elderly people. His son had been chased out of town many times, but one day he did not return. Now the entire town took their rage out on the Sheriff.

The flames from the burning house reflected in the Sheriff's scarlet eyes. His only remaining friend stood next to him, watching as the remnants of the house toppled to the ground and were ignited by the flames. Most of the town's population were watching through their windows or doors. Some were snickering, but most of the females gasped at the site. This was another reason as to why he was hated so much. He was, by far, the best looking man in the town. He refused to court with anyone, though. Years ago his wife had been killed by the Desians, and seeing another woman was an impossible task for him.

A man that had been watching the house burn for awhile, took a rock and threw it at the Sheriff. "That's what you get Kratos! You should have protected this town! Instead, you run off doing other things. We trusted you when we named you Sheriff when this town was created fourteen years ago. Now it's ruined!"

Kratos did not seem phased by what the man was saying to him. He stood still, not even looking to see what the rock had done to his leg. His friend spun around and glared at the man that had thrown the rock. His tied back blue hair whipped around with him and landed on his shoulder. Oddly enough, he wore a black cape. He was the only one for miles who even had a cape. He slowly reached toward his hip to grab his silver revolver. Kratos' hand shot out and grasped his arm, clenching it tightly.

"Do not make a fatal mistake, Yuan. It is me that they desire to be rid of, do not get involved." Kratos said to him sternly. Yuan looked at him with concern, and with every desire to blow the man away. Kratos shook his head at Yuan. Yuan finally nodded at Kratos, and Kratos let go of his arm.

"Kratos, you know what this means, don't you?" Yuan asked.

"I do." Kratos replied without hesitation. Yuan looked away from him disbelievingly.

Kratos knelt in the sand with his hand tied behind his back as the sun rose. In front of him on a wooden stand, a man was tightening a knot in a rope, making a loop at the very end of it. He then attached the other end of the rope to a piece of wood that hung out over the ground with a stool underneath it. In an hours time, Kratos would be hung for the supposed betrayel of his people. It was a common custom in Iselia, and he accepted his fate. Yuan had rode out of town just before dawn not wanting to see his friend be killed.

The man jumped down from the stand and landed in front of Kratos. He smiled at him, revealing his rotting teeth and smelly breath. He was shortly joined by a few other men. One of them of which who had been named the new Sheriff a few hours before. He walked up to Kratos, and knelt coming face to face with him.

"Since this has been finished early, we've decided to hang you now. What do you think of that?" He asked, smiling at Kratos.

"That I will see you in Hell." Kratos replied coldly.

The Sheriff punched Kratos in the face, and knocked him to the ground.

"Hang him!" The Sheriff demanded.

The man from earlier, tightened the rope around Kratos' neck. Kratos' hands remained tied behind his back, as he stood on the stool. Many people gathered around to watched as their previous Sheriff would be killed. Finally, filled up with excitement, the Sheriff gave the order to hang Kratos. The man that had thrown the rock, kicked the stool out from under Kratos.

Kratos dropped, hanging inches above from the ground, struggling to catch his breath. The people standing around him started to chant and cheer. His vision blurred and he slowly grew cold. Just as his eyes started to close, he saw a figure standing at the entrance of the town. A gunshot rang out through the town. The rope above Kratos snapped and he fell to the ground, gasping for breath. Everyone turned to look at the figure who had saved the imposter.

He had short, spiky brown hair, and chocolate brown eyes. He brought the gun up to his mouth and blew the smoke from the end of it. He twirled it around, spinning it on his finger, and then thrust it into his holster on his side. He then looked at everyone and smiled.

"Howdy! I'm Lloyd Irving, remember me?"

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**Author's Note:**_ I seriously have no idea why I wrote this, but I'm going to continue because it's fun to write! I don't even remember how I came up with this idea. I think I was watching Apollo 13. I still don't know where the idea came from. Oh well, it's going to be more humorous later on._

_Please review!_


	2. The Three Burritos

**Across the Plains**

_The Three Burritos_

**Disclaimer:**_ I do not own Tales of Symphonia..._

**Warnings:**_ None, unless you hate entertaining cheesieness! YAHOO!_

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Lloyd smiled at the shocked faces of the townspeople. He was their biggest annoyance, and yet he kept coming back. One nearby man was loading the barrel of his revolver and he eyed Lloyd suspiciously. After loading, the man stuck the gun back in its holster. He thought that even if he did shoot Lloyd, he wouldn't die.

Lloyd bound up to Kratos, as if he were a lost puppy. He pulled a short knife from the inside of his boot, and knelt down behind Kratos. Lloyd quickly sliced through the binds that were holding his father. Kratos stood up and rubbed the red mark around his wrists which were now raw.

"What are you doing here Lloyd?" Kratos asked sternly, looking down at his son. Lloyd looked up at him and smiled with a big goofy grin.

"I came to rescue you!" Lloyd replied in a joyful manner.

Kratos looked around him and then back at Lloyd. "Really? Good job." He said sarcastically.

Lloyd took it as a compliment until he realized what was going on. They had been surrounded by the members of the town. All of them held a type of weapon in their hands. One woman was even holding her shaved poodle in a defensive position, as if she was ready to throw it at them. Lloyd chuckled and grinned up at his father.

_"This is not my son. I do not know him." _Kratos thought to himself silently.

"Well, now that your annoying son has come back, we can just kill you both." The new Sheriff said coldly to them. The townspeople murmurred in agreement.

"What do you plan to do now Lloyd?" Kratos asked. "You're supposed to rescue me, so I suggest you hurry up and do so."

The grin disappeared from Lloyd's face and he looked frantically up at Kratos. It figured. He had only though about rescuing his father at the time when he had entered Iselia. He hadn't thought about how he was going to do it. Maybe it was something that ran in the family, along with stubborness. Suddenly, Kratos was filled up with guilt as he looked into the frightened eyes of his son. For some reason, he felt as if he was at fault. Most would say he was. But they didn't know the truth about him. Not even his own son knew about his secret identity and where he had to go during such times. Kratos sighed, and decided to accept his fate.

The Sheriff walked up to both of them and held his gun at Kratos' head.

"This time, there will be no mistakes." He said excitedly.

Before the Sheriff could pull the trigger, a lasso came down and wrapped around Kratos and Lloyd. Just as the Sheriff pulled the trigger, Kratos and Lloyd were yanked backwards onto the ground and were dragged a couple feet away. The Sheriff cursed loudly and tossed his revolver, hitting an innocent standerby in the head.

"That's not how it was suppossed to work out." A confused voice said from above all of them.

Everyone looked up, and ontop of the saloon stood a tall man. His long red hair fell to the bottom of his back and curled slightly at the end. He had a pink hat settled ontop of his head, and he wore a pink vest with no shirt underneath it, black pants, and pink boots with white roses embedded on the toes.

He looked down at the rope he was holding in his hand and then looked over at Kratos and Lloyd who were caught up in the other end of it.

"Who the hell are you!" The Sheriff demanded angrily.

"I'm the man with no name." He replied. "But you can call me Zelos."

A few women in the crowd fainted as they heard his name. The Sheriff yanked a gun out of another man's hand and pointed it at Zelos. "Get out of my town!"

"Your town? The last time I checked this was the handsome Kratos' town." Zelos replied. "Hey buddy!" He yelled waving at Kratos who was struggling to get out of the lasso.

"Zelos, get Lloyd and I out of this." Kratos demanded.

"Just gimme a sec. This ugly guy has a real temper!" Zelos replied.

Zelos dropped down from the roof of the saloon and landed ontop of the Sheriff. The Sheriff collapsed under the weight of Zelos, and his face landed in a steaming pile of horse dung. He screamed in agony as Zelos stood up and dusted himself off.

Zelos walked over to Lloyd and Kratos and pulled the lasso off of them. "Sorry guys. I was aiming at the ugly guy, and I was going to try to pull him away from you. This seems to have worked out though."

A few of the Sheriff's deputies ran over and tried to capture the three. Kratos, Zelos, and Lloyd each pulled out two revolvers and pointed them at the deputies.

"I would not do that if I were you." Kratos suggested. He stared at the deputies with an evil glint in his eye.

The deputies backed away from them, and decided to help the Sheriff instead. He was still face down in the pile of dung. His deputies pulled him up to his feet. The Sheriff pulled one of them closer to him and wiped his face on the man's uniform. After getting most of the dung off, he pointed a shaky finger at the trio.

"Just who the hell do you think you are?" He yelled at them.

Zelos put his arms around Kratos and Lloyd, smiling at the Sheriff. "Well, you know our names. All three of us are trouble makers. But together we are... The Three Burritos!"

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**Author's Note:**_ I know this is incredibly stupid, but I think it's funny. I'm trying to make fun of the famous western type of people. In this case, the Three Amigos. I like adding my own style to things though. And Zelos is supposed to be The Man With No Name that Clint Eastwood plays in those old movies. I know they mentioned his name once on a gravestone, but I don't remember it. Just wait till you find out who Kratos and Lloyd are. _


	3. Bessy Janes

**Across the Plains**

_Bessy Janes_

**Disclaimer:**_ I do not own Tales of Symphonia, but I do own this retarded idea. I just wanted an excuse to give Kratos, Zelos, and Lloyd a gun. Hehehe…_

**Warnings:**_ Just the same old cheese!_

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Kratos supported himself by placing his foot against the wooden post as he tightened the knot in the rope he was holding. Assured that the rope would hold their prisoners, Kratos walked back over to Zelos and Lloyd. The Sheriff and his men cursed at Kratos behind his back. Townspeople laughed at the pathetic sight. The Sheriff and his idiot deputies were tied to a post with no pants on.

The townspeople had given up on trying to execute Kratos. They found him more entertaining alive. Especially when he had Zelos and Lloyd around them. The Three Burritos were also known very well throughout the west and had a good reputation. The people decided to give up on what they thought Kratos was.

"Hey Sheriff!" Zelos called out. "I love your heart printed boxers. Where can I get a pair?" Zelos asked sarcastically.

"I think that will teach everyone a little lesson. No one messes with The Three Burritos!" Lloyd said enthusiastically.

"I concur." Kratos added.

"Kratos. Can I ask you a question since were buds?" Zelos asked.

"I don't see why not." Kratos replied.

"Why do you always use big words? Is it to make yourself sound cool? I mean if a chick asked if I would go out with her would, 'I concur' make me look cool?" Zelos asked. In the process of asking, he was scratching his head.

Kratos stared at Zelos as if he had asked a stupid question. The truth was, Kratos did not know why he spoke that way. Perhaps it was the way he was raised, or had his wife Anna spoken that way. It did not matter. Even if he would try to muster up the strength to speak that way, it's as they say, old habits die hard.

Zelos stuck out his bottom lip when Kratos did not reply. Fake tears started pouring down his cheeks and he managed to fake hiccup. "Why won't you answer me? Don't you love me anymore?" Zelos whined.

Although this was a trio of men, Zelos was definitely the closest any of them would get to a real woman. Or rather, a prostitute. Kratos ignored Zelos' fake act and turned his back to him. Zelos' whining grew louder and he began to stomp his feet and throw a tantrum. Lloyd started to laugh at him.

"What are you laughing at?" Zelos asked sternly, turning off his fake tears and whines.

"It's just… You act so much like a girl!" Lloyd spat, still laughing. The look on Zelos' face was indescribable. The only thing Lloyd recognized was the glare he was receiving. Kratos sighed and the one thing that was running through his head was, '_I see stupid people.'_

At that moment, a man ran up to Lloyd and examined him in the face. Then he finally pointed at him. "You're the one that stole my cow!"

"A cow?" Kratos asked, looking suspiciously down at his son.

Lloyd chuckled and started to slowly back away.

"Although, he was very nice about it. Not like most thieves. He even gave me a signed photograph!" The man pulled out a black and white photo of Lloyd with the signature of _Bessy Janes_ on it.

"Bessy Janes!" Zelos yelled. "You're the legendary… Bessy Janes! The nice thief that leaves all his victims talking about him?" Zelos examined Lloyd closely. After a few silent moments, Zelos burst into laughter. "You've gotta be kidding me! This puny guy!"

The townspeople started murmuring and pointing at Lloyd. Some young females came up to him and asked him to sign their skirts for them. Zelos pushed them all away. Out of nowhere, he pulled out a table, chair, and a pair of sunglasses. He set the table up in front of everyone, and slapped the sunglasses over his eyes.

"I am now Lloyd's or as they say _Bessy's_ manager. If anyone wants an autograph from him, then you have to pay up twenty-five cents!" Zelos stood on top of the table and smiled, making his teeth shine.

"Twenty-five cents!" A man in the crowd explained.

"Well, a celebrity has to make a living doesn't he?" Zelos asked in reply.

"We will see about that. I despise thieves, even if they are a part of my family." Kratos said coldly. He shot Lloyd a cold glare, one Lloyd had never seen before. Lloyd knew at that moment that he was in big trouble. Even if he was nice to people, a thief was a thief and that was what he was. Lloyd looked down at the ground, ashamed of himself. How was he going to face his father?

Kratos pulled a whip out from underneath his purple cape-ish thing. Lloyd and Zelos, alongwith the rest of the townspeople, wondered what Kratos was up. Suddenly, he jumped on top of the table that Zelos had pulled out of nowhere, made a weird pose, and then pointed at Lloyd.

"Now, bend over!"

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**Author's Note:**_ I decided to make this chapter a little more serious considering the fact that Lloyd is a thief. NOT!But he stole a cow! Poor little cow. I wonder where it could be. HAMBURGER! MWAHAHAHAHA!Actually, is it just me or does Kratos seem OOC? WHO CARES! This is supposed to be cheesy so personalities don't matter! MWAHAHA!_

_The Three Little Donkies! That's awesome! _

_Akako, aw come on! I'm just expressing myself, so of course it's weird! All the more fun right!_

_Sheenachi and Darkstar Rain, I'm glad you like it! Enjoy!_

_Please review… even if I do scare you…_


	4. Thorro

**Across the Plains**

_Thorro_

**Disclaimer:**_ I do not own Tales of Symphonia in any sort of way, and this story is a good reason why. Is it not?_

**Warnings:**_ More cheese!_

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Lloyd ran around a corner and rushed down the allyway. He stopped and leaned his back against the wall of a house, his chest heaving up and down from breathing heavily. What was so wrong about stealing a cow? Everyone's gotta eat! Of course his perfect father wouldn't know anything about this, would he?

Lloyd's heart stopped as he saw a shadow on the ground from a figure that was sitting on the roof above him. Had Kratos found him? Was he going to recieve his judgement now? Lloyd slowly turned around and looked up. Bright blue eyes sparkeled back at him. Lloyd fell backwards from the shock of coming face to face with Zelos.

"Hiya buddy!" Zelos yelled, waving at Lloyd with a big smile on his face.

Lloyd quickly placed his finger over his mouth to motion for Zelos to be quiet, for fear of Kratos finding him. "Be quiet Zelos!" Lloyd hissed at him. Zelos stuck his bottom lip out, and it quivered.

"Fine! But I want to tell you something before you die." Zelos replied in a hateful manner.

"And what would that be?" Lloyd asked coldly.

Zelos stood up straight, still ontop of the roof. He closed his eyes and pointed to himself, then flipped his hair, knocking the hat off his head, and causing shimmering sparkles to surround him. "I saved money on my horse insurence by switching to Giddy Co." He said proudly.

"What!" Lloyd shouted at him.

Zelos ran to the other side of the roof and waved his arms above his head. "Oh, Kratos! Your ungrateful thieving son is over here!" Zelos shouted, hearts surrounding his head.

Lloyd saw a cloud of sand over the roofs moving quickly towards him. Lloyd tried to run out of the alleyway, but as he turned the corner he came face to face with blazed over scarlet eyes. Kratos tapped the whip in his hand at a steady pace. Lloyd fell to the ground and cowered in front of Kratos in a begging position. He quickly thought up a lame excuse for why he had stolen the cow.

"It was for the good of the people!" He yelled. Kratos stopped tapping the whip on his hand and his eyes became more gentle. "There was a starving family, so I stole the cow so the family could eat. I wouldn't have originally bothered but the family had small twins." Lloyd lied, hoping that it would be enough for his father.

Kratos put away his whip, the kneeled and looked Lloyd in the eye. "It would seem that you take after me." He said. Kratos then leaned forward. "That is, if it was true." He said low enough to where only Lloyd could hear him. Kratos stood up and glared down at Lloyd. "I know every trick in the book Lloyd. I was once a teenager, too." Kratos said calmly.

"Wait so you..."

"I did in fact steal, but it _was_ for the good of the people." Kratos replied with a colder tone in his voice. "That is why you are going to clean the horse barn for the next year." Kratos said quickly, catching Lloyd off guard.

"Eww! Horse feces!" Zelos yelled from a nearby roof.

An old man with a cane was paying more attention to Zelos than Kratos and Lloyd. A young girl stood next to him shaking her head as if trying to stop him from doing something. "I'm gonna climb up there next!" The old man said cheerfully. Zelos seemed to notice that he had a fan, and he batted his eyelashes at him.

Suddenly, a girl ran up behind Lloyd and held a piece of paper to his neck. She had a dark purple tint in her black hair. Her outfit was light purple, and looked like a robe. A large portion of her chest was visable and seemed to attract Zelos' attention immediately.

"Don't make one move Thorro! If you do, I'll give your son a papercut!" She yelled at Kratos.

"Thorro!" Lloyd yelled out in surprise. "Dad! You're Thorro? The man dressed in black with the black mask, and a black cape that seems to charm all of the women all around the area? You're the Masked Man Thorro?"

"I guess my secret is out." Kratos replied, slightly irritated.

"Kratos! You're my hero!" Zelos yelled in a fangirlish way.

"Yeah, he's Thorro. The man that stole my city's slaves and let them go. He's a thief!" She yelled.

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**Author's Note:**_ Yep, Kratos is supposed to take after Zorro! I think that Sheena is just going to be Sheena. I couldn't think of any female western character to base her off of. Anyway, I should be posting the next chapter soon. Maybe I'll have the Desians... Nah! Too early for them._

_Fan Fan Girl, I generally try to keep Anna as an intellagent character. In the game Kratos seemed to have really been in love with, the scene with Kvar can prove that. But I figured that if he loved her so much then he would act like her to keep her living on. That's my theory on why Kratos is the way he is. That's why in my fic, The Day of Fate, that he acts like Lloyd. I guess you could say, it's kinda like a RegalxAlicia thing. But Kratos isn't really punishing himself for killing Anna, he's just finding a way, his way, to keep her close to him. And this is why, when people pair Kratos with someone that it pisses me off. He's not the type to go after someone else after what happened to him. Even though, yes I do have a Kraine pairing, it's all Raine. She's gonna get her heart broken! WHEE! But anyway, I'm glad you like the story so far!_

_Please review! _


	5. The Point of No Turning Back

**Across the Plains**

_The Point of No Turning Back_

**Disclaimer:** _I do not own Tales of Symphonia, blah blah blah, let's get on with it._

**Warnings:**_ Cheese on a silver platter? Anyone? SOLD! To the man in the back with the white mask that looks like The Phantom aka Erik from Phantom of the Opera!_

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The whole town grew quiet and watched the tension growing between Lloyd and Kratos. Lloyd could not decide whether to be disappointed at his father or to be grateful for his father. Either way, weren't they basically the same... Weren't they?

Zelos jumped down from the roof of a building and wrapped his arm around Kratos' shoulders. "Tell me Kratos buddy, have you ever gotten lucky with any of the women that you've encountered as you ride around in your absolutely handsome black leather get up?" He asked acting as if he was interested.

Kratos simply glared at Zelos through the corner of his eye.

Zelos quickly backed away from Kratos, holding his hands up in the air. "Just wondering. You don't have to go and get all ugly about it, even though you could never do that but..." Zelos started until the ninja girl cut him off.

"Will you just shut up gay lord! You're annoying the hell out of me!" She yelled at him.

"Fine I see how it is. And it's not gay lord, it's gay queen. Get it right!" Zelos replied in a hateful manner. Then he smiled devilishly and glanced at Lloyd. "Hey Lloyd. Do you remember what I taught you to do whenever a hot babe grabs you from behind and holds a piece of paper up to your neck?" He asked.

"Uh... yeah. Why?" Lloyd asked.

"It's time to ... EXECUTE!" Zelos yelled.

"Wait, what! NO! I can't do that now." Lloyd protested.

"But Lloyd!" Zelos whined. "This is what I taught it to you for! If you don't defend your virginity now then when will you?"

"His virginity? What the hell do you think I'm going to do to him!" The girl yelled at Zelos. "You are a real sick bastard, you know that!"

"Why thank you." Zelos replied smiling. Then he turned back to Lloyd and glared at him intensely. "Lloyd, you have to defend yourself now. I'm not going to help you. And I'm not going to let your father help you so you better do it now."

"Um... Dad, could you turn around for about half a minute pretty please?" Lloyd asked quietly and politely.

"I would rather not, the wind is blowing this way and sand would blow into my eyes. Plus, I seek to know what it is Zelos has taught you." Kratos replied.

Lloyd sighed and tightly closed his eyes, not believing that he was actually going to go through with this. Quick as lightning Lloyd spun around, avoiding a paper cut, and grabbed one of the girl's breasts and twisted as hard as he could manage.

A loud crack rang throughout the town.

The girl covered herself and backed away a few steps, her face bright red from embarrassment. Lloyd was on the ground a couple of feet away unconscious with a red handprint on the side of his face.

Zelos was jumping up and down, cheering.

"What else exactly have you been teaching my son since I have been away?" Kratos asked with a hint of annoyance in his tone.

"I'm glad you're taking an interest, but until I can tell you, you'll have to pay me the amount of ten dollars in lessons that I've already taught. It is confidential until then." Zelos said proudly.

Kratos pulled out his revolver and pointed it toward Zelos' manhood and slowly cocked the revolver so the chamber rotated slowly until it clicked into place.

"OKAY! I'll tell you! Just don't shoot there! I'll give you a whole list after all this over with! I promise!" Zelos begged dropping to the ground once again.

Kratos put his revolver away, slightly smiling at his accomplishment.

"Can we get this over with? I have a village to report back to soon." The girl begged.

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**Author's Note:**_ This really didn't have anything to do with the plotline, but writing stuff like this helps me get back on track. I tried to make it as humorous as possible. . Hope you likie!_


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